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"The mind of man is capable of anything.”
-Joseph Conrad
-Joseph Conrad
 How did she manage to still love in a world full of coldness and ignorant stipulations?
A cold quiet eruption that she thought was frozen over. Her heart still beat even when the pieces were shattered. It could only take one to make her lava overflow. Who would trigger the beast inside her? The monster that had consumed her grief and kept her hidden. Hidden behind stone walls 50 feet high. Who would take Goliath's sledgehammer and rip those stone walls apart? Who was brave enough to enter inside this girls broken heart? Patching up the pieces of lovers past. Rebuilding a structure she thought wouldn't last. Because her fear is you are like the last. She sees through you like glass. Torn apart she hopes you will make her warm again. Feel her soul with hope and desires. The future wouldn't seem so bleak if only she could meet Someone Anyone Who can erupt her fire Make her feel whole and less cold .  Every time I leave my house my brain goes into over drive. I start thinking about my interactions with people and if they are about to be good or bad. Going to the mall, the store or any place that has a steady constant stream of humans makes me scared. Its like a fear inside my head that exaggerates the situation and makes it huge. Anxiety affects a bunch of us. Some more then others. I never knew I had anxiety till I was out of high school, but once I found out it made me realize why growing up for me was hell. I am 23 and I have no actual friends and as an adolescent I didn't have many either. People would call me weird because of my odd communication skills but it wasn't me it was anxiety dancing in my head making me nervous making me cringe to open up. I have moved to a new place where I don't know anyone. I have tried to make friends in this new environment but the conversations go sour or stale after a few days has gone by. The friends I had back home were never really my true friends. No one checks or calls on me to make sure I am okay. Having anxiety has taught me that you become comfortable with being treated less then because starting new friendships is like diving head first into a pool with no water. I am starting to cut off those meaningless friendships because I will not let my anxiety keep me in a safe space when really those people are toxic. I'd rather wait a lifetime for a friend who is just unique as I am than a friend who brings no substance to my life. I do not take medicine for anxiety and I refuse to take it. I will not let my "mental illness" own me by stuffing myself with pills that don't do anything but close your cognitive functions off to what's around you. I now look at my anxiety as a good thing. It teaches me to be more cautious and aware of everything around me. The only con is the panic attacks and the initial fear but the good is beginning to outweigh the bad. I'm starting to discover myself and my so called "mental illness" in an abundance of ways that I never thought possible. A doctor can tell you that you suffer from all these things that they made up, or you can grab life by the balls own your unique trait and say f it. Id rather be different then blend in with the rest of the 7.5 billion people on planet Earth. I am that one who will never be normal and I'm okay with that. *There are six major types of anxiety disorders, each with their own distinct symptom profile: generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, phobia, social anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't self diagnose go to a trained professional to get accurate results. You don't have to take the medicine that they prescribe to you.* |